The Middle Class: America's Muffin Top

First, one matter of bookkeeping.  Apparently "President" Obama just released his official birth certificate that does indeed show that he was born in the quasi-state of Hawaii.  Granted, concerned barely literate citizens started demanding that document years ago, so obviously I'm going to assume "Komerade Ayatollah Rabbi El Generalissimo" Barry Obama used that time wisely to create a counterfeit.  Hear me, "Mr." President, my best people will eat this forgery for lunch and still have plenty of time for the three martinis that come standard in the Lazy Observer happy meal.  Here's what we were given:

First of all, I can't read any of the signatures so who knows if those people even existed.  Second, there's no proof that 1961 was even a year.  And third, how can you have a "Gynecological Hospital" when that's obviously a made up word.  My top semi-retired irrelevant Mafia contacts will be getting this shortly.

No matter, score one straw-man point for The Donald.  He blustered, and the White House had to respond.

Unfortunately, with the birther "debate" on hold, I'm now going to have to listen to people endlessly drone on about The Middle Class and its dude's-junk-in-cold-water-like shrinkage.  My response?  Good riddance.  No one likes fat around the middle and it's about time this country got back into dating scene shape.  Me?  I like them big up top and down low (but not cankles low, just talking about some T&A on my ladies).  It's about time our precious America finally obtained the socio-economic equivalent of a Kim Kardashian figure.  If you're middle class, choose a side.  Either join the 1% up top or get out of the way and join the unwashed millions down below, but please stop hanging over the waistline of our collectively ill-fitting jeans.

Like my fellow republicans in Washington, I feel like you lazy middle classers with your one disaster away from ruin lifestyle should be taxed out of existence.  And when that fails?  We should totally screw with social safety nets to make sure social and actual Darwinism emotionally and physically kill you faster.  Sure this line of thinking completely contradicts every Christian teaching many republicans espouse when debating politically irrelevant hot button issues like abortion or gay marriage, but there is a time to be sincere about your faith and there is a time not to be.  The time to be sincere is when it helps you win, the time not to be is when it prevents big business from contributing to your re-election campaign.  Sure, that may earn some of these "total fucking scumbags" (as some people might call them) a first class ticket to hell with recliner seats and satellite TVs in every seat, but thinking of the long game just isn't very American.

Damn you, George Soros... and other insights into irrelevant television.

Well, George, you heartless bastard, you finally got your wish.  Sir Glenn Beck Esq. Herr Docktor has announced he's leaving his show on Fox.  Soros, I too have enough cash to roll around naked in and I know the evil compulsions that materialize when all of those luscious bills covered in trace amounts of cocaine and human feces graze the darkest crevasses of the male body.  So don't think for one second that I don't know that you didn't somehow bring down Beck.

A lot of Soros apologists are going to tell me Beck did it to himself with misquoted bullshit like:

or like this gem from the socialist controlled media:

or:

Leave it to the left to think that hard-working Americans like the ones I've seen really far below me as I'm in my private helicopter flying over Nassau County can't detect a smear campaign made of bullshit.  A bull's shit smeared... everywhere... on freedom.

Fine, well what's done is done, and I hope that Beck goes out and starts his own television network because let's be honest, his conspiracy chalk board and crying won't play on radio.  The former, well it's a visual aid.  The latter just comes across like a prissy girl with asthma.  I look forward to not being able to get your new channel on either my local cable provider or the Dish Network.

Also, Pia voted off American Idol?  What the hell, America?  I still love this country right through to the loins, but you pushed Tom Hanks, a national treasure for his portrayal of Robert Langdon in the movie based off the national treasure of a novel The DaVinci Code written by a national treasure Dan Brown and directed by one more national treasure, Ron Jeremy.  Mr. Hanks tweeted, and I quote:

"Don’t have an IDOL habit, but how could the USA vote Pia off? I may be done for the season!"  

First based on the doth protest too much line of reasoning, he totally has an Idol habit, and why be ashamed to admit it?  Me personally?  No, I don't watch it too often, just here and there.  I really barely ever catch it, I mean if it happens to be on I might leave it going until the next commercial, but that's it really.  I mean, some of my best friends are idol watchers and while I believe Simon was the biggest d-bag, the show went down the toilet when he left despite Jenny from the block's best efforts (that girl still has it and I hope the money she makes as a judge totally pays off her husband's back taxes and gets filed properly with the IRS to avoid future discrepancies!!).  And second, he's right to be outraged, Pia owned it every time she took the stage.  I'm starting to doubt the credibility of the voting process driving American Idol.  If you kill that faith in me, you might as well kill all the faith in me.

Anyway, here's waiting to see how George Soros kills off American Idol, Ice Truckers, NCIS Los Angeles, and everything else that makes it good to be an American.