The Middle Class: America's Muffin Top

First, one matter of bookkeeping.  Apparently "President" Obama just released his official birth certificate that does indeed show that he was born in the quasi-state of Hawaii.  Granted, concerned barely literate citizens started demanding that document years ago, so obviously I'm going to assume "Komerade Ayatollah Rabbi El Generalissimo" Barry Obama used that time wisely to create a counterfeit.  Hear me, "Mr." President, my best people will eat this forgery for lunch and still have plenty of time for the three martinis that come standard in the Lazy Observer happy meal.  Here's what we were given:

First of all, I can't read any of the signatures so who knows if those people even existed.  Second, there's no proof that 1961 was even a year.  And third, how can you have a "Gynecological Hospital" when that's obviously a made up word.  My top semi-retired irrelevant Mafia contacts will be getting this shortly.

No matter, score one straw-man point for The Donald.  He blustered, and the White House had to respond.

Unfortunately, with the birther "debate" on hold, I'm now going to have to listen to people endlessly drone on about The Middle Class and its dude's-junk-in-cold-water-like shrinkage.  My response?  Good riddance.  No one likes fat around the middle and it's about time this country got back into dating scene shape.  Me?  I like them big up top and down low (but not cankles low, just talking about some T&A on my ladies).  It's about time our precious America finally obtained the socio-economic equivalent of a Kim Kardashian figure.  If you're middle class, choose a side.  Either join the 1% up top or get out of the way and join the unwashed millions down below, but please stop hanging over the waistline of our collectively ill-fitting jeans.

Like my fellow republicans in Washington, I feel like you lazy middle classers with your one disaster away from ruin lifestyle should be taxed out of existence.  And when that fails?  We should totally screw with social safety nets to make sure social and actual Darwinism emotionally and physically kill you faster.  Sure this line of thinking completely contradicts every Christian teaching many republicans espouse when debating politically irrelevant hot button issues like abortion or gay marriage, but there is a time to be sincere about your faith and there is a time not to be.  The time to be sincere is when it helps you win, the time not to be is when it prevents big business from contributing to your re-election campaign.  Sure, that may earn some of these "total fucking scumbags" (as some people might call them) a first class ticket to hell with recliner seats and satellite TVs in every seat, but thinking of the long game just isn't very American.