On May 1st, Czar Komerade Herr Doktor Karl Marx "President" Obama announced to the world that the United States launched a tactical assault into Pakistan and successfully eliminated Osama Bin Laden. A man that successfully eluded our country for fifteen years and flaunted that fact in the face of our totally exceptional American exceptionalism. The United States finally got him, or if you believe the string of pronouns from Obama's announcement, he single-handedly flew the chopper in, fast-roped down the the ground, was the first one through the door, and took the shot that killed America's most vile enemy.
Also, in a classy move, Obama interrupted The Donald's climax on Celebrity Apprentice. Not sure I'd want to mess with the man who will be our country's next president. What's that? The Donald just announced he's not running? DAMMIT! What a combed-over cock tease. I believed with all my heart that he was the one man who could save our country from its impending communism bizarrely driven by massive banking institutions, big oil, and the defense industry. Now that dream is gone. You know what? As far as I'm concerned, The Donald's gone, too. Fuck him. He thinks he can toy with an entire nation of uninformed right-wing voters and The Blacks who were ready to go to the line for him to fight against this country's impending Nazi Marxist Federalism. I'm starting to realize that his worldview may actually be reality television and Celebrity Apprentice the highest point his moral character may ever reach. And that's still two notches lower than the moral character of a bus station urinal.
My next choice for American savior never bothered to doctor his birth certificate when he immigrated as a fully grown adult into the world of body building and Hollywood fame. Arnold "The Governator" Schwarzenegger had everything we need in a president... thirty-six inch biceps and about a dozen quotable catch phrases that would have totally killed when in the throes of tough international negotiations. Think China would have said no to Conan the Barbarian when he "asked" them to stop being such douches about trade and currency imbalances? The Governator totally would have brought the lamentations of the women all over China if they weren't so successfully doing that to themselves already. What's that? The Governator totally knocked up his maid and has an illegitimate child born on U.S. soil? When does that badboy turn 35? His marriage is a small price to pay for the future of our country.
Didn't someone close to Maria Schriver say something about not asking what your country can do for you? Apparently what she could do for her country was let her husband act like a juiced up sex addict and impregnate someone on his staff, then pretend for 10 years that the kid belonged to the mother's husband, then run for governor and continue to lie to your wife for personal ambitions, and then once those ambitions were fulfilled, tell her and scuttle your marriage that was essentially over anyway because of other man-whoring. As American as apple pie or Newt Gingrich... who used to go to his car and get blow jobs from his mistress while still married to his second wife all while prosecuting Bill Clinton for getting his own extramarital BJs. The difference between Gingrich's conservative moral fortitude and Slick Willie's evil? Gingrich had the class to completely dump his second wife and marry the car-servicing mistress and make an honest woman out of her.
Anyway, I guess that leaves us with Obama for the next year or so minimum, but nailing Bin Laden might just give Obama all the clout he needs to get re-elected, and despite my quotes around President early in this post, I'm a little torn about my feelings toward a second Obama term. A team of brave, heroic Navy Seals swept in and killed Osama Bin Laden on President Obama's watch. It happened because Obama shifted resources toward an intelligence-backed surgical approach rather than total invasion. It happened through classic intelligence gathering methods and not through torture (but we still totally waterboard, baby!!!). Basically it happened by not following the blunt, obtuse methods of the second greatest president in American history, George W. Bush.
You know, I never admitted this to my friends, and I always felt guilty for even thinking it, but Bush's floppy bitchery about Bin Laden never sat well with me. First he was all like "Bin Laden Dead Or Alive" like a character from a John Ford western. Then a few months later, drowning in the stink of failure, he was all like "Bin Laden who I don't even think about him" like a teenager who caught his crush making out with someone else. Bush followed that up with literally the biggest strawman attack in human history when he invaded the wrong country in response to a different question, prematurely ejaculated a Mission Accomplished banner, fumbled that occupation and Afghanistan, fucked up Katrina, and then watched the economy implode. But at least he wasn't a democrat...
All this current democrat has done is print money like it's going out of style... to be used as trillions of band-aids for the aforementioned imploding economy, pass a bail-out that has been since repaid in full, shut up mouth-breathing conspiracy theory Birther morons like myself by providing a birth certificate all while successfully closing in and eliminating the man responsible for 9/11.
I wasn't personally affected by that tragedy. I didn't know anyone who died. In fact, I was asleep when the planes crashed into the towers. Living in Soho, I thought that would have been loud enough to wake me up, but it was my mother calling me to make sure I wasn't anywhere near the World Trade Center that got me up. But I saw the towers fall, I watched the smoke plume cover miles of sky, I saw the horror, sadness, and later emptiness on people's faces, I later smelled the odors of decay, and I watched a country fail to avenge that for nearly ten years. But that's no longer the case, and despite the prolific use of the pronoun "I" in Obama's announcement, he really does deserve a good deal of the credit, or at least his own Mission Accomplished banner since he actually got the job done. And maybe he deserves people like me to stop being such an asshole about him and politics in general, choosing sides like we're talking about an NFL rivalry and not the future of our country... to stop attaching genuine hatred to differences in political ideology instead compartmentalizing those differences away from raw emotion.
Maybe it's time I rethought a few of my lines of reasoning. Then again, that seems like it will involve nuance, and nuance is hard, and like a lot of Americans, I'm stupid lazy.
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