John Wayne by any other name...

I know I've been away for a while, spent the last few weeks trolling various cruise ships trying to come down with an e coli infection from the food in order to take down their demonic empires from the inside.  No such luck.  Only thing I did was gain thirty-seven pounds from shell fish buffets and develop a taste for the Reese's Pieces Martini.

But I came back just in time to catch this:

Now it may or may not be obvious from my postings here on this blog, but I love America.  And loving America means I love the greatest American that ever lived, Marion Morrison.  In a real life application of the "Boy Named Sue" style of parenting, Marion grew up and became known to the world as John Wayne.  Now I love John Wayne so much that I personally police his wikipedia entry 24/7... one of three things I don't farm out to day laborers I pick up outside the Parsippany, NJ Home Depot off RT 46.  I love John Wayne so much that I have this above my bed:

I love John Wayne so much - you know, taking a moment to look at that picture outside the context of my bedroom shrine, I can see why some of the women I bring home look at me funny or say "Okay, that's cool if you're into that."

Anyway, point being, I love John Wayne so much that I know for a fact that his hometown isn't Waterloo, IA, it's in fact Winterset, IA.  So I got to thinking, Michele Bachmann is a sharp, on-the-ball politician who isn't known for confusing her facts.  So just who was she trying to compare herself to?  The answer?  America's other famous JW... John Wayne Gacy.

Yes, the same John Wayne Gacy who was executed by lethal injection in 1994 for the rape and murder of 33 boys, some of whom he kept in a crawl space, the rest he dumped in a nearby river.  The same guy who had to wear this to work everyday:

That's who Michele Bachmann compared herself to.  And thanks to Fox News spreading the story, rather than correct Bachmann and make her look bad, they will now try to rewrite history and make the real John Wayne's birthplace Waterloo, IA.

That makes John Wayne's wiki the front lines for this rewrite.  Guess I'm in for a seventy-two-straight-hour wikipedia stake out to stop Fox Nation from trying to corrupt the real John Wayne's entry just to help out Bachmann.

The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere: As Told By Sarah Palin

My only response to watching that?

I'm starting to wonder if I even need to comment on anything Sarah Palin says at this point.  At least she defended herself with the same tenacity as the following dog running into a wall:

I hope her classy Constitution bus never runs out of gas and she keeps on keeping on with reporters because the internet can never have too many funny clips.

In other news, I apparently have seen Rep. Anthony Weiner's soft-on through a pair of boxer briefs.  Why in the name of all that is holy do we live in a world where I've seen that silhouette?  And in case you missed it... here it is!!!

I'm not a classy guy in the least.  You've probably guessed that by now.  But for fuck's sake, when I take a shot of my junk, I know the world is protected because I have no idea how to use any functions on my smart phone.  Rep. Weiner appears to know just enough to confuse sending a text to posting to twitter.  When my father had no idea how to program the VCR, there was never any danger of a high school teenager getting a sext from him.  An affair was just an affair, something between two people assuming they were both decent liars with a clear understanding of where things were headed at the beginning... something she says I lost sight of and that's why she has to end it even though there's no way I'm letting go that easy because I will totally boil her rabbit.  Today's technology raises the stakes.

So my heartfelt sorrow to Rep. Weiner's family.  You are married to/fathered by a guy who takes shots of his own junk and doesn't know how to work his phone.

In which the Lazy Observer observes the passing of Osama Bin Laden

On May 1st, Czar Komerade Herr Doktor Karl Marx "President" Obama announced to the world that the United States launched a tactical assault into Pakistan and successfully eliminated Osama Bin Laden.  A man that successfully eluded our country for fifteen years and flaunted that fact in the face of our totally exceptional American exceptionalism.  The United States finally got him, or if you believe the string of pronouns from Obama's announcement, he single-handedly flew the chopper in, fast-roped down the the ground, was the first one through the door, and took the shot that killed America's most vile enemy.

Also, in a classy move, Obama interrupted The Donald's climax on Celebrity Apprentice.  Not sure I'd want to mess with the man who will be our country's next president.  What's that?  The Donald just announced he's not running?  DAMMIT!  What a combed-over cock tease.  I believed with all my heart that he was the one man who could save our country from its impending communism bizarrely driven by massive banking institutions, big oil, and the defense industry.  Now that dream is gone.  You know what? As far as I'm concerned, The Donald's gone, too.  Fuck him.  He thinks he can toy with an entire nation of uninformed right-wing voters and The Blacks who were ready to go to the line for him to fight against this country's impending Nazi Marxist Federalism.  I'm starting to realize that his worldview may actually be reality television and Celebrity Apprentice the highest point his moral character may ever reach.  And that's still two notches lower than the moral character of a bus station urinal.

My next choice for American savior never bothered to doctor his birth certificate when he immigrated as a fully grown adult into the world of body building and Hollywood fame.  Arnold "The Governator" Schwarzenegger had everything we need in a president... thirty-six inch biceps and about a dozen quotable catch phrases that would have totally killed when in the throes of tough international negotiations.  Think China would have said no to Conan the Barbarian when he "asked" them to stop being such douches about trade and currency imbalances?  The Governator totally would have brought the lamentations of the women all over China if they weren't so successfully doing that to themselves already.  What's that?  The Governator totally knocked up his maid and has an illegitimate child born on U.S. soil?  When does that badboy turn 35?  His marriage is a small price to pay for the future of our country.

Didn't someone close to Maria Schriver say something about not asking what your country can do for you?  Apparently what she could do for her country was let her husband act like a juiced up sex addict and impregnate someone on his staff, then pretend for 10 years that the kid belonged to the mother's husband, then run for governor and continue to lie to your wife for personal ambitions, and then once those ambitions were fulfilled, tell her and scuttle your marriage that was essentially over anyway because of other man-whoring.  As American as apple pie or Newt Gingrich... who used to go to his car and get blow jobs from his mistress while still married to his second wife all while prosecuting Bill Clinton for getting his own extramarital BJs.  The difference between Gingrich's conservative moral fortitude and Slick Willie's evil?  Gingrich had the class to completely dump his second wife and marry the car-servicing mistress and make an honest woman out of her.

Anyway, I guess that leaves us with Obama for the next year or so minimum, but nailing Bin Laden might just give Obama all the clout he needs to get re-elected, and despite my quotes around President early in this post, I'm a little torn about my feelings toward a second Obama term.  A team of brave, heroic Navy Seals swept in and killed Osama Bin Laden on President Obama's watch.  It happened because Obama shifted resources toward an intelligence-backed surgical approach rather than total invasion.  It happened through classic intelligence gathering methods and not through torture (but we still totally waterboard, baby!!!).  Basically it happened by not following the blunt, obtuse methods of the second greatest president in American history, George W. Bush.

You know, I never admitted this to my friends, and I always felt guilty for even thinking it, but Bush's floppy bitchery about Bin Laden never sat well with me.  First he was all like "Bin Laden Dead Or Alive" like a character from a John Ford western.  Then a few months later, drowning in the stink of failure, he was all like "Bin Laden who I don't even think about him" like a teenager who caught his crush making out with someone else.  Bush followed that up with literally the biggest strawman attack in human history when he invaded the wrong country in response to a different question, prematurely ejaculated a Mission Accomplished banner, fumbled that occupation and Afghanistan, fucked up Katrina, and then watched the economy implode.  But at least he wasn't a democrat...

All this current democrat has done is print money like it's going out of style... to be used as trillions of band-aids for the aforementioned imploding economy, pass a bail-out that has been since repaid in full, shut up mouth-breathing conspiracy theory Birther morons like myself by providing a birth certificate all while successfully closing in and eliminating the man responsible for 9/11.

I wasn't personally affected by that tragedy.  I didn't know anyone who died.  In fact, I was asleep when the planes crashed into the towers.  Living in Soho, I thought that would have been loud enough to wake me up, but it was my mother calling me to make sure I wasn't anywhere near the World Trade Center that got me up.  But I saw the towers fall, I watched the smoke plume cover miles of sky, I saw the horror, sadness, and later emptiness on people's faces, I later smelled the odors of decay, and I watched a country fail to avenge that for nearly ten years.  But that's no longer the case, and despite the prolific use of the pronoun "I" in Obama's announcement, he really does deserve a good deal of the credit, or at least his own Mission Accomplished banner since he actually got the job done.  And maybe he deserves people like me to stop being such an asshole about him and politics in general, choosing sides like we're talking about an NFL rivalry and not the future of our country... to stop attaching genuine hatred to differences in political ideology instead compartmentalizing those differences away from raw emotion.

Maybe it's time I rethought a few of my lines of reasoning.  Then again, that seems like it will involve nuance, and nuance is hard, and like a lot of Americans, I'm stupid lazy.

The Middle Class: America's Muffin Top

First, one matter of bookkeeping.  Apparently "President" Obama just released his official birth certificate that does indeed show that he was born in the quasi-state of Hawaii.  Granted, concerned barely literate citizens started demanding that document years ago, so obviously I'm going to assume "Komerade Ayatollah Rabbi El Generalissimo" Barry Obama used that time wisely to create a counterfeit.  Hear me, "Mr." President, my best people will eat this forgery for lunch and still have plenty of time for the three martinis that come standard in the Lazy Observer happy meal.  Here's what we were given:

First of all, I can't read any of the signatures so who knows if those people even existed.  Second, there's no proof that 1961 was even a year.  And third, how can you have a "Gynecological Hospital" when that's obviously a made up word.  My top semi-retired irrelevant Mafia contacts will be getting this shortly.

No matter, score one straw-man point for The Donald.  He blustered, and the White House had to respond.

Unfortunately, with the birther "debate" on hold, I'm now going to have to listen to people endlessly drone on about The Middle Class and its dude's-junk-in-cold-water-like shrinkage.  My response?  Good riddance.  No one likes fat around the middle and it's about time this country got back into dating scene shape.  Me?  I like them big up top and down low (but not cankles low, just talking about some T&A on my ladies).  It's about time our precious America finally obtained the socio-economic equivalent of a Kim Kardashian figure.  If you're middle class, choose a side.  Either join the 1% up top or get out of the way and join the unwashed millions down below, but please stop hanging over the waistline of our collectively ill-fitting jeans.

Like my fellow republicans in Washington, I feel like you lazy middle classers with your one disaster away from ruin lifestyle should be taxed out of existence.  And when that fails?  We should totally screw with social safety nets to make sure social and actual Darwinism emotionally and physically kill you faster.  Sure this line of thinking completely contradicts every Christian teaching many republicans espouse when debating politically irrelevant hot button issues like abortion or gay marriage, but there is a time to be sincere about your faith and there is a time not to be.  The time to be sincere is when it helps you win, the time not to be is when it prevents big business from contributing to your re-election campaign.  Sure, that may earn some of these "total fucking scumbags" (as some people might call them) a first class ticket to hell with recliner seats and satellite TVs in every seat, but thinking of the long game just isn't very American.

Damn you, George Soros... and other insights into irrelevant television.

Well, George, you heartless bastard, you finally got your wish.  Sir Glenn Beck Esq. Herr Docktor has announced he's leaving his show on Fox.  Soros, I too have enough cash to roll around naked in and I know the evil compulsions that materialize when all of those luscious bills covered in trace amounts of cocaine and human feces graze the darkest crevasses of the male body.  So don't think for one second that I don't know that you didn't somehow bring down Beck.

A lot of Soros apologists are going to tell me Beck did it to himself with misquoted bullshit like:

or like this gem from the socialist controlled media:

or:

Leave it to the left to think that hard-working Americans like the ones I've seen really far below me as I'm in my private helicopter flying over Nassau County can't detect a smear campaign made of bullshit.  A bull's shit smeared... everywhere... on freedom.

Fine, well what's done is done, and I hope that Beck goes out and starts his own television network because let's be honest, his conspiracy chalk board and crying won't play on radio.  The former, well it's a visual aid.  The latter just comes across like a prissy girl with asthma.  I look forward to not being able to get your new channel on either my local cable provider or the Dish Network.

Also, Pia voted off American Idol?  What the hell, America?  I still love this country right through to the loins, but you pushed Tom Hanks, a national treasure for his portrayal of Robert Langdon in the movie based off the national treasure of a novel The DaVinci Code written by a national treasure Dan Brown and directed by one more national treasure, Ron Jeremy.  Mr. Hanks tweeted, and I quote:

"Don’t have an IDOL habit, but how could the USA vote Pia off? I may be done for the season!"  

First based on the doth protest too much line of reasoning, he totally has an Idol habit, and why be ashamed to admit it?  Me personally?  No, I don't watch it too often, just here and there.  I really barely ever catch it, I mean if it happens to be on I might leave it going until the next commercial, but that's it really.  I mean, some of my best friends are idol watchers and while I believe Simon was the biggest d-bag, the show went down the toilet when he left despite Jenny from the block's best efforts (that girl still has it and I hope the money she makes as a judge totally pays off her husband's back taxes and gets filed properly with the IRS to avoid future discrepancies!!).  And second, he's right to be outraged, Pia owned it every time she took the stage.  I'm starting to doubt the credibility of the voting process driving American Idol.  If you kill that faith in me, you might as well kill all the faith in me.

Anyway, here's waiting to see how George Soros kills off American Idol, Ice Truckers, NCIS Los Angeles, and everything else that makes it good to be an American.

St. Patrick's Day: Recovery and Prayer

Yesterday was my religious holiday of religious holidays.  A day where I bury my lapsed Catholic life even deeper and embrace the traces of Irish heritage in my blood.  It's a day where I forego my usual seven hundred dollar a bottle scotch and indulge in the guilty secret that I like Jameson on the rocks better.  It's also a conflicted day for me, because St. Patrick's Day allows this "everyone's Irish on St. Paddy's Day" mentality and it makes it a little hard to separate the wheat from the chaff for genetically bred hardcore drinkers.  Everyone tries to line up shots and go like it's in their blood, and the aftermath of that can prove tragic to witness.  A perfectly attractive woman not wearing any underwear can end up covered in her own vomit mumbling about elevators while she tries to sleep it off against the outdoor ATM of a 24-hour pizzeria.  Who wants thats?

Not that I'm any better, I often have to reconstruct my St. Patrick's Day exploits from receipts and traffic cam footage, but I'm proud to say I actually remember fleeting memories from last night.  My years of heavy drinking have taught me a number of things, one of which is that there's good pizza and there's drunk pizza, and the pizza I want when I'm drunk happens to be somewhere in Penn Station.  Not sure where since I'm always blitzed, but I've spent a lot of time eating pizza in Manhattan's "other train station." St. Patrick's Day is the best day for drunk pizza there because you get to watch the drunk Jersey trains fill up and ship out.  Some fake tans, overly layered haircuts, college kids with gin and juice in their Poland Springs bottles, fat people in their late fifties drinking the same but wearing a lot more plastic green bowler hats... the spectacle can be worth the trip.  Granted, I'd rather take a stiletto heel to the groin then get on a train to that forsaken land with those forsaken people, but watching them shuffle and stumble while I down seven slices of buffalo chicken baked ziti pizza (according to one receipt) ended up being a good time.  I don't remember who I went home with, what they did with one of my thumb rings, or how I got to DUMBO afterward, but that's neither here nor there.

But here I am back at home, making sure to eat plenty of greasy eggs and bacon, surfing around on my laptop.  I went over to Facebook for a bit just to see what my arch-nemesis, Sarah Palin, was posting about today with all the wit and insight of a malfunctioning Roomba and got distracted.  A lot of pictures and stories on the "walls" of my "friends" about St. Patrick's Day.  Some funny, some sweet, some typical, some boring, but there was a moment where I came dangerously close to getting Facebook.  Almost posted a picture myself until I realized my pictures were all drunk shots of my own balls.  So I went back into some of the history on these "walls" of "friends" and saw something that snapped me back from the brink of Facebook make-believe.

I mentioned earlier that I'm a lapsed Catholic, but that doesn't mean I'm still not spiritual, maybe more than I care to admit at times because what I saw shocked me a bit.  People, in their status updates, were constantly asking for other people's prayers.  And those people were constantly responding to the original update with confirmation of prayers on the way.  Some were genuine and serious, a gravely ill family member took a turn for the worse.  Most, though, were so trivial... pray for my lawn mower, pray that the soup special has a decent vegetarian option, pray for minor crap that distracts me from just how fortunate I truly am.  The prayer requests were so prevalent that they couldn't have been sincere, and not the kind of sincere when you really like someone's t-shirt.  The kind of sincere when you're dealing with God.  At this rate, there's going to be a Pray button next to the Like button on Facebook just to save time and cap the meaninglessness of most of it.

So there you have it, another St. Patrick's Day in the books and another day wondering how Hemingway and James Joyce got as much writing done with all the drinking.

Sadness.

I've been sober for 4 days now, but then I see this.  Not much to say, just wishing everyone Godspeed through this terrible time.

Melissa Gilbert and Bruce Boxleitner Split.

I hope we all see each other emerging from the darker side.